The one where I break down.

This past weekend left me more sad and distraught than I have been in quite some time. With the most recent move, the end of a relationship, and the usual day-to-day worries, I had reached my breaking point yesterday. While on the phone with a friend, I laughed and joked about what a great time I had over the weekend (which I did), but I could feel the sadness ready to burst out of me at any moment. I did what any self respecting 30 year old would do, ignore it. Deny, deny, deny. That's how I've been dealing for the past 6 months, why stop now?
An entire season of Arrested Development and two naps later, I finally let go. I let myself be sad, upset, worried, angry, whatever, I just let it happen. I really enjoy controlling my every emotion, I am very strict about not letting myself get too high or too low. Unfortunately, over the years, this has lead to me glossing over all of the negative feelings with, "Oh yeah, that sucked, but I'm fine." A release was absolutely necessary. It's hard to relinquish control over everything; it's hard to feel so vulnerable, and I'm sure I won't be comfortable with it, maybe, ever.
I still don't feel better, but I finally feel like it's okay for me to be upset/pissed off about what happened. I need to stop judging myself so hard about how I feel about the things that have happened. So today, I'll return to my yoga mat, I'l go for a run, I'll eat a boatload of candy, and I'm sure I'll break down again. But that's okay.