The one where I break down.

This past weekend left me more sad and distraught than I have been in quite some time. With the most recent move, the end of a relationship, and the usual day-to-day worries, I had reached my breaking point yesterday. While on the phone with a friend, I laughed and joked about what a great time I had over the weekend (which I did), but I could feel the sadness ready to burst out of me at any moment. I did what any self respecting 30 year old would do, ignore it. Deny, deny, deny. That's how I've been dealing for the past 6 months, why stop now?
An entire season of Arrested Development and two naps later, I finally let go. I let myself be sad, upset, worried, angry, whatever, I just let it happen. I really enjoy controlling my every emotion, I am very strict about not letting myself get too high or too low. Unfortunately, over the years, this has lead to me glossing over all of the negative feelings with, "Oh yeah, that sucked, but I'm fine." A release was absolutely necessary. It's hard to relinquish control over everything; it's hard to feel so vulnerable, and I'm sure I won't be comfortable with it, maybe, ever.
I still don't feel better, but I finally feel like it's okay for me to be upset/pissed off about what happened. I need to stop judging myself so hard about how I feel about the things that have happened. So today, I'll return to my yoga mat, I'l go for a run, I'll eat a boatload of candy, and I'm sure I'll break down again. But that's okay.

On the move

Okay, so I've been avoiding posting here for awhile in order to get myself together. But, I'm slowly getting everything packed up and prepping the dogs because... I'M MOVING AGAIN! Of course I'm going back to Boston. I have to finish school and from there, who knows.

So I quit my job, I re-enrolled in school, and I have packed (mostly). Oh yeah, and I leave tomorrow. Unemployment has already begun again, but I have an interview on Tuesday so things may go smoother this time around.

I'll be back with more updates once I get myself moved into my new apartment and get the dogs situated.

Cognitive dissonance

Whenever I feel as though I've made a mistake, or done something I shouldn't have done, there is always this accompanying feeling of dissonance. It's a feeling I have trouble shaking; it seems to linger in the back on my mind, no matter how hard I try to push it away or convince myself it's not a big deal. Most likely, it's not a big deal, but there is a possibility that it could turn into something of a big deal, a problem, even.

My solution? Eat candy, watch Sex & the City, and smoke cigarettes. Tomorrow will be better.

Made it!

My birthday has come and gone, along with it came the flu. I'll return once I don't feel like dying.

Publishing my drafts

I've been sitting on this post for a few days now. I guess it's time I finally posted it.



My profession does not define me.

I have been telling myself this for weeks on end now. When I left my job in Boston and decided I would walk dogs for a living in Chicago, I felt this through my bones. I knew that statement was true, but it didn't matter, because I was loving the job. So, now, when I am faced with the option of finding temporary retail employment, do I find this to be not true? My job won't change who I am. It would be a source of income which would allow me to get out of the house, pay my bills, be a contributing (somewhat) member of society.

I need to find a job. I need to do something besides, read endless blog posts, dick around on buzzfeed, watch too much tv, stay up until 4am everyday, and knit. I need to find something more than this right now.

Not having a job has left me feeling so helpless and useless. I never thought my profession defined me but now I am questioning that to the fullest. Maybe I did let work define me, maybe it is part of who I am. 

Pugs and a run

The past few weeks have left me feeling depressed and hiding in bed for much of my days. This weekend I tried to get out and do a few little things to lift my spirits.

Those are my lovely pups, Jabba and Zelda. Zelda is quite the photogenic little girl. 

In an attempt to get myself moving again, I headed out for a run. I haven't run since May 2011 - 76 weeks to be exact. Here are my stats:

It wasn't so much a run as it was a walk interrupted with some slight jogging. I'm going to try again tomorrow. Running is the absolute worst feeling but I always feel great afterwards.

sad internet girl

Three interviews, two doctor's appointments, and one job offer later... things are exactly the same as they were last week. I declined the job offer because I went on an interview for a job that I really, really want. So, in hopes of getting this job, I declined the marketing position. I've decided I want to stay in the mental health field.



Thats the garbage that spewed out of my head earlier in the week, but I never posted. I did, however, save it. Why? It's gold. Absolute gold.

I've spun from sick-o, bronchial, nightmare to okay, life is getting back on track and then back down to "I want to die, unemployment sucks, good thing I live with my mom because I can't pay rent right now." It's been a trip. But, no worries, I've scoured the internet, slept for roughly 12 hours per day, snuggled with the dogs, and picked my sorry ass up off the ground. I'm back, bitches! (I heard Sweet Dee's voice in my head).

So, on the job front, I have no new interviews (or second interviews) in the works at this time. I had two last week. One seemed incredible and I really want the position... and the other... well, it's a job. I'd take it. I'm not about to be picky. I'm looking into bartending positions. I have never bartended (tended bar?) in my life, but for some reason I feel like I would be good at it. I like to drink. I like to talk to people... It could work.

Whatever.

Interview! Yes!

I finally received a call for an interview! I drove an hour and half to southwestern Pennsylvania for this interview. I think it went well, I was told that I'm "entertaining" and would be great for the partial program! Score! The downside to this? There are no openings in the partial program. Nuts.


So, back to the job search.