Seriously, brain, just stop.

Forgiveness. I told myself I would write about this today, well, because I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know that there are a lot of people in my life that I need to forgive; I've burned a few bridges in my day and should forgive those people, but mostly, myself. I need to cut myself some slack and allow for it to be okay that I fuck up every once in a while. It's not like I begin each day thinking, "Who can I fuck over today and how?" Which, I would think, would be exhausting. But, on a daily basis, I really do this to myself. I have a tendency to judge myself so harshly that anything that comes out of my mouth to ANYONE is foder for me to judge. And judge in such a manner that I will most likely return home and think to myself, "you should probably not speak to people, ever." I'm charming, really. But forgiveness... that's a huge word. How do you forgive yourself for shit that seems so large and so unforgivable? I read so much about the power of positivity and the power of forgiveness and ways to go about doing both. And I practice both on a daily basis... for other people. And I teach this stuff, I guide people through the process of forgiving themselves and forgiving others. So why is it so hard to practice it in my daily life for myself? It is most important that I do it for myself, because, really, how credible am I as a therapist when I can't practice what I preach? And maybe that statement is another example of how I need to cut myself some slack and stop judging so harshly. Maybe. Whatever. My point is this, it really is okay for me (and you) to fuck up. It happens. And yes, it is okay. It's actually probably good that humans make some mistakes so we can learn from them, right? How else would we learn where our boundaries are/should be?

I've taken this entire week to return to my mom's house, fall apart, piece myself back together and forgive myself for a few things. And I feel a hell of a lot better than I did one week ago. Last week I thought I was losing my mind, literally. I thought that I wouldn't make it through another day, let alone another week. But, it seems as though time and perspective can heal. Friends and family help too. Oh yeah, and home cooking.

The one where I break down.

This past weekend left me more sad and distraught than I have been in quite some time. With the most recent move, the end of a relationship, and the usual day-to-day worries, I had reached my breaking point yesterday. While on the phone with a friend, I laughed and joked about what a great time I had over the weekend (which I did), but I could feel the sadness ready to burst out of me at any moment. I did what any self respecting 30 year old would do, ignore it. Deny, deny, deny. That's how I've been dealing for the past 6 months, why stop now?
An entire season of Arrested Development and two naps later, I finally let go. I let myself be sad, upset, worried, angry, whatever, I just let it happen. I really enjoy controlling my every emotion, I am very strict about not letting myself get too high or too low. Unfortunately, over the years, this has lead to me glossing over all of the negative feelings with, "Oh yeah, that sucked, but I'm fine." A release was absolutely necessary. It's hard to relinquish control over everything; it's hard to feel so vulnerable, and I'm sure I won't be comfortable with it, maybe, ever.
I still don't feel better, but I finally feel like it's okay for me to be upset/pissed off about what happened. I need to stop judging myself so hard about how I feel about the things that have happened. So today, I'll return to my yoga mat, I'l go for a run, I'll eat a boatload of candy, and I'm sure I'll break down again. But that's okay.

Network your face off.

Being newly unemployed again has left me with quite some time to consider where I would like to take my career. Do I want to go back to working for an agency? Do I want to be subcontracted out? Do I want to not even work in my field until I finish school? Who the hell knows. Right now, I'm throwing everything I've got up against the wall to see what sticks. I've emailed, networked, and called everyone I can think of to let them know I'm available. I'm here! I'm back! I have a great work ethic!

My game plan is to try out all of these routes to see what matches best with me. I have an idealized dream of never having to work for someone else again, but I know I'm not in the place for that yet. Once I'm licensed, that will be a different story. I will be in a place where I can go into private practice, I can work a few days/nights a week with individual clients; my options will be more vast.

Next step? Figure out the school component of this. When does the semester even start? Probably something I should know. Time to get on that.

On the move

Okay, so I've been avoiding posting here for awhile in order to get myself together. But, I'm slowly getting everything packed up and prepping the dogs because... I'M MOVING AGAIN! Of course I'm going back to Boston. I have to finish school and from there, who knows.

So I quit my job, I re-enrolled in school, and I have packed (mostly). Oh yeah, and I leave tomorrow. Unemployment has already begun again, but I have an interview on Tuesday so things may go smoother this time around.

I'll be back with more updates once I get myself moved into my new apartment and get the dogs situated.

And another

I went for an interview today for a retail position. I walked out of there thinking, "nailed it!" in a non-ironic way.

Also, heard back from another place where I interviewed last week. Maybe, if I play my cards right, I can juggle three jobs. Or maybe not. 

I'm still waiting to hear back from my school to see if I can complete my last two classes without actually being on campus. Normal schools have this new fangled option called 'Online Classes.' You may have heard of it before. My school has not. So I'm trying to convince them that I'm a responsible adult who can manage her education without having anyone directly accountable for me. That couldn't be further from the truth, but they don't need to know that. So I wrote my Dean a lovely email discussing my plans for completing the work without actually being in class and how I would email AND snail mail all of my work to her personally, should she request it. The jury is still out. 

I survived

My first week is over and I'm into week two. It's been rough. Waking up early isn't really my thing... Any time before noon isn't my thing - too bad I'm done with work and home by noon. Craziness.

In other news, my bangs are crooked and slowly slant to my right. Because my bangs are way more important than my new job and my messed up sleep schedule, right?

Also, I'm still in second in my fantasy football league. I cannot seem to break into the number one slot. Life is tough, guys. Crooked bangs and second place. Rough. I don't know how I'll make it. 

Jobby, job, job!

So, I finally managed to commit to a job offer! It is only a part time position, but it will allow me to go back to school full time. I won't be moving out of my mother's home any time soon, but you can't win them all. Besides, I really want to go back to Boston. But, anyway, the job starts on Monday and I'll be working early, early mornings so I could probably pick up another part time position for the holidays to bank some more money into the "Kerry needs a job in Boston" fund.

In other news, there was a hurricane. Zelda and I were super prepared.

I also decided to break out the super ugly, never wear in public, my mum bought them for me slipper socks. They're all the rage, you're jealous. I know. 

And I'm prepping for Halloween here. I was forced into making treat bags for tomorrow evening. The older my mother gets, the more she is loving small children. She bought a shit ton of candy and a bunch of games and little toys and tattoos for the bags. She is in desperate need of a grandchild (brother, I'm looking at you). 

And you better believe that I stole a popper thing to shoot at the dogs. Unemployment leads to doing stupid shit for entertainment. 

The perks of returning home

The past week has been seriously busy. I've gone to more interviews than I can really remember and I've been offered three positions, none of which I have accepted. This totals four(?) jobs that I have turned down, yet still complain about being unemployed. Go figure. First world problems.

But, I have noticed some great perks to being back in my mom's house. First, and most important, I have an endless supply of tootsie rolls (an absolute must for me) and salt and vinegar chips. I never have to grocery shop, do laundry, or make my bed. She organized all of my drawers, for christ sake! The bathroom is always clean, the dishes are always done, and I have yet to have to make a single meal for myself. I am basking in the "I'm 30 and letting my mom take care of me" glory.

Now, don't get my wrong, I can't wait to get the hell out of here, have my own space again, and drink alone with my pups, but for now, I will accept the perks I have received.

On the job front, I have three interview this week. Two of them are complete and one is tomorrow. I'm really holding out for two specific positions. One is in my hometown and the other is in a hospital psych ward. These two really interest me and would allow me to go back to school to finish my Master's (without killing myself).

So, kids, in conclusion, unemployment has some unexpected perks. Naps. Need I say more?

Publishing my drafts

I've been sitting on this post for a few days now. I guess it's time I finally posted it.



My profession does not define me.

I have been telling myself this for weeks on end now. When I left my job in Boston and decided I would walk dogs for a living in Chicago, I felt this through my bones. I knew that statement was true, but it didn't matter, because I was loving the job. So, now, when I am faced with the option of finding temporary retail employment, do I find this to be not true? My job won't change who I am. It would be a source of income which would allow me to get out of the house, pay my bills, be a contributing (somewhat) member of society.

I need to find a job. I need to do something besides, read endless blog posts, dick around on buzzfeed, watch too much tv, stay up until 4am everyday, and knit. I need to find something more than this right now.

Not having a job has left me feeling so helpless and useless. I never thought my profession defined me but now I am questioning that to the fullest. Maybe I did let work define me, maybe it is part of who I am. 

Pugs and a run

The past few weeks have left me feeling depressed and hiding in bed for much of my days. This weekend I tried to get out and do a few little things to lift my spirits.

Those are my lovely pups, Jabba and Zelda. Zelda is quite the photogenic little girl. 

In an attempt to get myself moving again, I headed out for a run. I haven't run since May 2011 - 76 weeks to be exact. Here are my stats:

It wasn't so much a run as it was a walk interrupted with some slight jogging. I'm going to try again tomorrow. Running is the absolute worst feeling but I always feel great afterwards.

Which way?

Being out of work for over a month now has lead to me attempt to get creative with money and future plans. I have considered returning to school to finish my Master's. I have also considered returning to school for an NP in psych. I think I am at a point where if I don't find work soon, I will ultimately return for the NP and sink myself further in scholastic debt.

Other options I have considered are dog training, starting a dog walking company, and just heading out to Utah to work with Best Friends. Go big or go home, right? I have no direction at this point in time. All of these sound like fantastic ideas to me.

Not all of these are really good ideas, at all. Heading out to Utah? Probably not my best idea, but it would make for a great story, great experience, and one hell of a ride. Going back to school to finish my Master's? Probably the easiest, most cost efficient, and most logical thing for me to do. So, naturally, this is the last thing I want to do.

My brain is wired to find the most complicated, convoluted ways to do things.

sad internet girl

Three interviews, two doctor's appointments, and one job offer later... things are exactly the same as they were last week. I declined the job offer because I went on an interview for a job that I really, really want. So, in hopes of getting this job, I declined the marketing position. I've decided I want to stay in the mental health field.



Thats the garbage that spewed out of my head earlier in the week, but I never posted. I did, however, save it. Why? It's gold. Absolute gold.

I've spun from sick-o, bronchial, nightmare to okay, life is getting back on track and then back down to "I want to die, unemployment sucks, good thing I live with my mom because I can't pay rent right now." It's been a trip. But, no worries, I've scoured the internet, slept for roughly 12 hours per day, snuggled with the dogs, and picked my sorry ass up off the ground. I'm back, bitches! (I heard Sweet Dee's voice in my head).

So, on the job front, I have no new interviews (or second interviews) in the works at this time. I had two last week. One seemed incredible and I really want the position... and the other... well, it's a job. I'd take it. I'm not about to be picky. I'm looking into bartending positions. I have never bartended (tended bar?) in my life, but for some reason I feel like I would be good at it. I like to drink. I like to talk to people... It could work.

Whatever.

Marathon interviewing

Today got off to a late start as I decided to sleep through two alarms and a phone call to confirm an interview. But, no worries, all went as planned. I had a phone interview this morning, which went well and lead to a second phone interview this afternoon. Throw in a face-to-face interview between the two phone calls, and you've got a busy schedule! Everything went really well today and I'm really hoping that the interview I went to today will pan out. It sounds like a fantastic position and would be really good experience. Luckily, I got a call back for a second interview for this position, which is tomorrow! YES!

Things are starting to look up.

They're rolling in

My phone interview was rescheduled for tomorrow and I have another interview tomorrow, as well! Both positions are two that I am really interested in, especially the face-to-face interview. So cross your fingers and do your best "kerry needs a job" dance.

In other news, the internet is full of awesomeness today:

I'm in love with this. 

This is incredible. 

And..... I need to find a studio to get back into aerial silks. Anyone know a place near Pittsburgh?

Oh, yeah...

I also napped today with the pups. Rough day, I'm telling you. Life is hard.

Sales!

I went for an interview today for a sales position. Yeah, I know. I have zero sales experience and I really don't think I would do well in this type of position. Anyways, I show up to the interview and forget to bring a copy of my resume. I'm sitting in the lobby with three other candidates who are dressed to the nines and look like they are straight out of college. And, of course, they all remembered to bring a copy of their resumes. Oi. Fast forward to the actual interview. Some sample questions and my answers:

Where do you see yourself in three to five years? (Legitimate question.)
My answer?: I have no idea. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do and where I fit in.

Do you see yourself as management material?
My answer?: No. I have management experience and I didn't feel like I was able to answer my staffs' questions.

The guy explains the position and the company then asks, "Does this sound like something you would be interested in pursuing?"
My answer?: Yeah, sure, why not?

I have to admit, it was the most candid I have ever been in an interview. I wasn't really invested in the position and didn't expect for them to contact me regarding a second interview. But, uh, yeah, they did. I have to call back tomorrow and respectfully decline. I don't think sales is for me.

The good news is that I have a phone interview tomorrow, a second interview for a therapy position next week, and another interview next week. Things are starting to pick up, so there is hope for me yet. One day, I will be employed again! Let's just hope it isn't sales. Or management.

Unique finds

In an effort to get out of the house, I let my mom drag to me a few yard sales and thrift stores. I typically love this stuff, but being unemployed, I've got to watch what I spend these days. However, I did find some great stuff (which I didn't buy).

 

I had to resist the temptation to buy this hat and run around town reenacting Mortal Kombat. 

And then there is this gem. A razor stuck in a stick. I couldn't put this down. I promised a friend I would pick him up a gift while out with my mom - had this not been $10(!) - it would have been his. Instead, I bought him Big League Chew.

The job hunt continues! I've sent out resumes to pharmaceutical companies in hopes they need someone who knows a thing or two about psych meds.

Interview! Yes!

I finally received a call for an interview! I drove an hour and half to southwestern Pennsylvania for this interview. I think it went well, I was told that I'm "entertaining" and would be great for the partial program! Score! The downside to this? There are no openings in the partial program. Nuts.


So, back to the job search.

I made it outside today

I finally made it outdoors today!

Meet Jabba - He's my second adoptee and one of the loves of my life. 

Hi. I'm Kerry. I finally went outside today with the pups. 

Tucker - one of my mom's dogs. He's an asshole.

The good news is that I have an interview tomorrow, wish me luck!  I'll be sure to post how everything turns out. Keep your fingers crossed and send out those good vibes into the universe!

Here's the story...

How did I end up becoming unemployed? Well... that's a funny story:

I was living in Boston, working, going to graduate school, fostering dogs, and taking care of my own two pups. I took a trip to Chicago to meet up with my brother and our friends from high school. While on this trip, my friend and I ended up confessing feelings for each other. Six weeks later, I'm quitting my job, packing up my apartment, fighting with my roommate, and driving to Chicago. Huge risk. Very impulsive. Totally something that I would do. As it turns out, guy friend and I couldn't live together. He hated the dogs and couldn't live with them and I couldn't live without them. Big fight ensues. Two days later, I'm packing up my car again and heading for Pittsburgh - to live with my mother. (and her three dogs).

So here I am, in Pittsburgh, with my mom, watching countless hours of tv, not sleeping, and completely surrounded by dogs. Oh yeah, and unemployed. And 6 credits short of my Master's degree. Damn.

Here we go.