Seriously, brain, just stop.

Forgiveness. I told myself I would write about this today, well, because I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know that there are a lot of people in my life that I need to forgive; I've burned a few bridges in my day and should forgive those people, but mostly, myself. I need to cut myself some slack and allow for it to be okay that I fuck up every once in a while. It's not like I begin each day thinking, "Who can I fuck over today and how?" Which, I would think, would be exhausting. But, on a daily basis, I really do this to myself. I have a tendency to judge myself so harshly that anything that comes out of my mouth to ANYONE is foder for me to judge. And judge in such a manner that I will most likely return home and think to myself, "you should probably not speak to people, ever." I'm charming, really. But forgiveness... that's a huge word. How do you forgive yourself for shit that seems so large and so unforgivable? I read so much about the power of positivity and the power of forgiveness and ways to go about doing both. And I practice both on a daily basis... for other people. And I teach this stuff, I guide people through the process of forgiving themselves and forgiving others. So why is it so hard to practice it in my daily life for myself? It is most important that I do it for myself, because, really, how credible am I as a therapist when I can't practice what I preach? And maybe that statement is another example of how I need to cut myself some slack and stop judging so harshly. Maybe. Whatever. My point is this, it really is okay for me (and you) to fuck up. It happens. And yes, it is okay. It's actually probably good that humans make some mistakes so we can learn from them, right? How else would we learn where our boundaries are/should be?

I've taken this entire week to return to my mom's house, fall apart, piece myself back together and forgive myself for a few things. And I feel a hell of a lot better than I did one week ago. Last week I thought I was losing my mind, literally. I thought that I wouldn't make it through another day, let alone another week. But, it seems as though time and perspective can heal. Friends and family help too. Oh yeah, and home cooking.

Cognitive dissonance

Whenever I feel as though I've made a mistake, or done something I shouldn't have done, there is always this accompanying feeling of dissonance. It's a feeling I have trouble shaking; it seems to linger in the back on my mind, no matter how hard I try to push it away or convince myself it's not a big deal. Most likely, it's not a big deal, but there is a possibility that it could turn into something of a big deal, a problem, even.

My solution? Eat candy, watch Sex & the City, and smoke cigarettes. Tomorrow will be better.

The day has come...

I turn 30 tomorrow! Holy crap! When did that happen? More on this later, I'm so tired I need to get my butt into bed (at 6pm...)

Write it out

I've been avoiding this blog like the plague. I've been in such a shitty space lately that I didn't want to poison this area with my negativity. But I started writing on 750words.com and I've dedicated that space to the mindless crap that my brain produces on a regular basis. Apparently, 750 words on a daily basis. That's a lot of crap.

Anyway, in an effort to be more social, I've decided to put my online profile back up. Back to the crazy world of online dating and seeing what comes from it. So far, nothing has come from it at all. I've been out on one date, about 10 months ago. It is fondly referred to as my Cemetery Date from Hell. So here's to more weird, awkward dates in the future.

Things I ALMOST did in the past few days

As I mentioned before, I've been in a sort of a... hole guarded by candy and dogs rut. It's not so bad, because I'm able to talk myself out of doing really stupid shit such as:

1. Sending an exboyfriend an email about how I've been thinking about him and hope he is doing well even though I know he is out of the country with his girlfriend that he probably lives with and is probably really happy and I need to find other ways to deal with being lost.

2. Calling the most recent exboyfriend to yell at him about he is the most unavailable man I've ever met and I'm just now realizing that he was unavailable and feel the need to share this knowledge because, really, I'm sure he doesn't know! But seriously, I read this article about the type of men to avoid (shut up) and it smacked me in the face! Knowledge! OMG! Don't date someone who doesn't want to share their life with you! Who knew?! Apparently, everyone in the world except me. I'm awesome.

3. Call best friend and cry. Wait, did that. Nevermind...

4. Eat only candy.

5. Said yes to a date with a male friend instead of speaking up and saying, "NO! Red flag! Don't date your friends you stupid, sorry excuse for a 29 year old!"

Good news! I only did one of those things on that list and managed to stop myself from completing the others. Although, there is a draft saved in my email and notes about the phone conversation (damnit) so I'm going to go delete the evidence that I'm a crazy person and resume trying to be a normal functioning human being.