Seriously, brain, just stop.

Forgiveness. I told myself I would write about this today, well, because I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know that there are a lot of people in my life that I need to forgive; I've burned a few bridges in my day and should forgive those people, but mostly, myself. I need to cut myself some slack and allow for it to be okay that I fuck up every once in a while. It's not like I begin each day thinking, "Who can I fuck over today and how?" Which, I would think, would be exhausting. But, on a daily basis, I really do this to myself. I have a tendency to judge myself so harshly that anything that comes out of my mouth to ANYONE is foder for me to judge. And judge in such a manner that I will most likely return home and think to myself, "you should probably not speak to people, ever." I'm charming, really. But forgiveness... that's a huge word. How do you forgive yourself for shit that seems so large and so unforgivable? I read so much about the power of positivity and the power of forgiveness and ways to go about doing both. And I practice both on a daily basis... for other people. And I teach this stuff, I guide people through the process of forgiving themselves and forgiving others. So why is it so hard to practice it in my daily life for myself? It is most important that I do it for myself, because, really, how credible am I as a therapist when I can't practice what I preach? And maybe that statement is another example of how I need to cut myself some slack and stop judging so harshly. Maybe. Whatever. My point is this, it really is okay for me (and you) to fuck up. It happens. And yes, it is okay. It's actually probably good that humans make some mistakes so we can learn from them, right? How else would we learn where our boundaries are/should be?

I've taken this entire week to return to my mom's house, fall apart, piece myself back together and forgive myself for a few things. And I feel a hell of a lot better than I did one week ago. Last week I thought I was losing my mind, literally. I thought that I wouldn't make it through another day, let alone another week. But, it seems as though time and perspective can heal. Friends and family help too. Oh yeah, and home cooking.

The one where I break down.

This past weekend left me more sad and distraught than I have been in quite some time. With the most recent move, the end of a relationship, and the usual day-to-day worries, I had reached my breaking point yesterday. While on the phone with a friend, I laughed and joked about what a great time I had over the weekend (which I did), but I could feel the sadness ready to burst out of me at any moment. I did what any self respecting 30 year old would do, ignore it. Deny, deny, deny. That's how I've been dealing for the past 6 months, why stop now?
An entire season of Arrested Development and two naps later, I finally let go. I let myself be sad, upset, worried, angry, whatever, I just let it happen. I really enjoy controlling my every emotion, I am very strict about not letting myself get too high or too low. Unfortunately, over the years, this has lead to me glossing over all of the negative feelings with, "Oh yeah, that sucked, but I'm fine." A release was absolutely necessary. It's hard to relinquish control over everything; it's hard to feel so vulnerable, and I'm sure I won't be comfortable with it, maybe, ever.
I still don't feel better, but I finally feel like it's okay for me to be upset/pissed off about what happened. I need to stop judging myself so hard about how I feel about the things that have happened. So today, I'll return to my yoga mat, I'l go for a run, I'll eat a boatload of candy, and I'm sure I'll break down again. But that's okay.

Network your face off.

Being newly unemployed again has left me with quite some time to consider where I would like to take my career. Do I want to go back to working for an agency? Do I want to be subcontracted out? Do I want to not even work in my field until I finish school? Who the hell knows. Right now, I'm throwing everything I've got up against the wall to see what sticks. I've emailed, networked, and called everyone I can think of to let them know I'm available. I'm here! I'm back! I have a great work ethic!

My game plan is to try out all of these routes to see what matches best with me. I have an idealized dream of never having to work for someone else again, but I know I'm not in the place for that yet. Once I'm licensed, that will be a different story. I will be in a place where I can go into private practice, I can work a few days/nights a week with individual clients; my options will be more vast.

Next step? Figure out the school component of this. When does the semester even start? Probably something I should know. Time to get on that.

On the move

Okay, so I've been avoiding posting here for awhile in order to get myself together. But, I'm slowly getting everything packed up and prepping the dogs because... I'M MOVING AGAIN! Of course I'm going back to Boston. I have to finish school and from there, who knows.

So I quit my job, I re-enrolled in school, and I have packed (mostly). Oh yeah, and I leave tomorrow. Unemployment has already begun again, but I have an interview on Tuesday so things may go smoother this time around.

I'll be back with more updates once I get myself moved into my new apartment and get the dogs situated.

Cognitive dissonance

Whenever I feel as though I've made a mistake, or done something I shouldn't have done, there is always this accompanying feeling of dissonance. It's a feeling I have trouble shaking; it seems to linger in the back on my mind, no matter how hard I try to push it away or convince myself it's not a big deal. Most likely, it's not a big deal, but there is a possibility that it could turn into something of a big deal, a problem, even.

My solution? Eat candy, watch Sex & the City, and smoke cigarettes. Tomorrow will be better.

Vagueness

As it tends to go, my situation has changed once again. After a mild freak out yesterday, I have a skeleton of a plan in place to move again. The wheels have been put into motion, as they say. So, I guess now it's just time to keep things moving and figure out a way to do this. If there is one thing I am good at, it is moving at the drop of a hat. So, it's time to harness that strange skill and put it to work again. Wish me luck!

Write it out

I've been avoiding this blog like the plague. I've been in such a shitty space lately that I didn't want to poison this area with my negativity. But I started writing on 750words.com and I've dedicated that space to the mindless crap that my brain produces on a regular basis. Apparently, 750 words on a daily basis. That's a lot of crap.

Anyway, in an effort to be more social, I've decided to put my online profile back up. Back to the crazy world of online dating and seeing what comes from it. So far, nothing has come from it at all. I've been out on one date, about 10 months ago. It is fondly referred to as my Cemetery Date from Hell. So here's to more weird, awkward dates in the future.

Things I ALMOST did in the past few days

As I mentioned before, I've been in a sort of a... hole guarded by candy and dogs rut. It's not so bad, because I'm able to talk myself out of doing really stupid shit such as:

1. Sending an exboyfriend an email about how I've been thinking about him and hope he is doing well even though I know he is out of the country with his girlfriend that he probably lives with and is probably really happy and I need to find other ways to deal with being lost.

2. Calling the most recent exboyfriend to yell at him about he is the most unavailable man I've ever met and I'm just now realizing that he was unavailable and feel the need to share this knowledge because, really, I'm sure he doesn't know! But seriously, I read this article about the type of men to avoid (shut up) and it smacked me in the face! Knowledge! OMG! Don't date someone who doesn't want to share their life with you! Who knew?! Apparently, everyone in the world except me. I'm awesome.

3. Call best friend and cry. Wait, did that. Nevermind...

4. Eat only candy.

5. Said yes to a date with a male friend instead of speaking up and saying, "NO! Red flag! Don't date your friends you stupid, sorry excuse for a 29 year old!"

Good news! I only did one of those things on that list and managed to stop myself from completing the others. Although, there is a draft saved in my email and notes about the phone conversation (damnit) so I'm going to go delete the evidence that I'm a crazy person and resume trying to be a normal functioning human being.

...

I've spent the past two days doing nothing but stalking my own fantasy football profile and catching up on tv. I've watched all of season 7 of HIMYM and season 1 of Girls. I've also been prowling around on circus tumblr blogs and researching aerial silks in Pittsburgh. It's really been an eventful two days.

I really want to get back into an aerial class. It's something that I really enjoyed and it will keep me in shape. I can't seem to stick with running and yoga. Running makes me want to die and yoga is boring me lately. I need something new.

It's been a rough couple of months and I need to find something to be excited about again. I feel like I'm miles away from where I want to be and I don't have a clear path of where I'm going any longer. I have no doubt that I'll figure it out but I'm definitely starting to lose patience.

Pugs and a run

The past few weeks have left me feeling depressed and hiding in bed for much of my days. This weekend I tried to get out and do a few little things to lift my spirits.

Those are my lovely pups, Jabba and Zelda. Zelda is quite the photogenic little girl. 

In an attempt to get myself moving again, I headed out for a run. I haven't run since May 2011 - 76 weeks to be exact. Here are my stats:

It wasn't so much a run as it was a walk interrupted with some slight jogging. I'm going to try again tomorrow. Running is the absolute worst feeling but I always feel great afterwards.

Which way?

Being out of work for over a month now has lead to me attempt to get creative with money and future plans. I have considered returning to school to finish my Master's. I have also considered returning to school for an NP in psych. I think I am at a point where if I don't find work soon, I will ultimately return for the NP and sink myself further in scholastic debt.

Other options I have considered are dog training, starting a dog walking company, and just heading out to Utah to work with Best Friends. Go big or go home, right? I have no direction at this point in time. All of these sound like fantastic ideas to me.

Not all of these are really good ideas, at all. Heading out to Utah? Probably not my best idea, but it would make for a great story, great experience, and one hell of a ride. Going back to school to finish my Master's? Probably the easiest, most cost efficient, and most logical thing for me to do. So, naturally, this is the last thing I want to do.

My brain is wired to find the most complicated, convoluted ways to do things.