Seriously, brain, just stop.

Forgiveness. I told myself I would write about this today, well, because I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know that there are a lot of people in my life that I need to forgive; I've burned a few bridges in my day and should forgive those people, but mostly, myself. I need to cut myself some slack and allow for it to be okay that I fuck up every once in a while. It's not like I begin each day thinking, "Who can I fuck over today and how?" Which, I would think, would be exhausting. But, on a daily basis, I really do this to myself. I have a tendency to judge myself so harshly that anything that comes out of my mouth to ANYONE is foder for me to judge. And judge in such a manner that I will most likely return home and think to myself, "you should probably not speak to people, ever." I'm charming, really. But forgiveness... that's a huge word. How do you forgive yourself for shit that seems so large and so unforgivable? I read so much about the power of positivity and the power of forgiveness and ways to go about doing both. And I practice both on a daily basis... for other people. And I teach this stuff, I guide people through the process of forgiving themselves and forgiving others. So why is it so hard to practice it in my daily life for myself? It is most important that I do it for myself, because, really, how credible am I as a therapist when I can't practice what I preach? And maybe that statement is another example of how I need to cut myself some slack and stop judging so harshly. Maybe. Whatever. My point is this, it really is okay for me (and you) to fuck up. It happens. And yes, it is okay. It's actually probably good that humans make some mistakes so we can learn from them, right? How else would we learn where our boundaries are/should be?

I've taken this entire week to return to my mom's house, fall apart, piece myself back together and forgive myself for a few things. And I feel a hell of a lot better than I did one week ago. Last week I thought I was losing my mind, literally. I thought that I wouldn't make it through another day, let alone another week. But, it seems as though time and perspective can heal. Friends and family help too. Oh yeah, and home cooking.

The one where I break down.

This past weekend left me more sad and distraught than I have been in quite some time. With the most recent move, the end of a relationship, and the usual day-to-day worries, I had reached my breaking point yesterday. While on the phone with a friend, I laughed and joked about what a great time I had over the weekend (which I did), but I could feel the sadness ready to burst out of me at any moment. I did what any self respecting 30 year old would do, ignore it. Deny, deny, deny. That's how I've been dealing for the past 6 months, why stop now?
An entire season of Arrested Development and two naps later, I finally let go. I let myself be sad, upset, worried, angry, whatever, I just let it happen. I really enjoy controlling my every emotion, I am very strict about not letting myself get too high or too low. Unfortunately, over the years, this has lead to me glossing over all of the negative feelings with, "Oh yeah, that sucked, but I'm fine." A release was absolutely necessary. It's hard to relinquish control over everything; it's hard to feel so vulnerable, and I'm sure I won't be comfortable with it, maybe, ever.
I still don't feel better, but I finally feel like it's okay for me to be upset/pissed off about what happened. I need to stop judging myself so hard about how I feel about the things that have happened. So today, I'll return to my yoga mat, I'l go for a run, I'll eat a boatload of candy, and I'm sure I'll break down again. But that's okay.

On Nesting

I've been spending an incredible amount of time cleaning and organizing everything that I own. I really have never taken the time to do this before, at least not this quickly after a move. I usually leave everything half unpacked, throw out what I don't need, and then go buy everything I thought I didn't need but really did and threw it out. And everything sits in a corner and I dig through it daily. This has been my normal process. But, holy hell!, it's kind of nice to have everything organized. Like, I bought actual organizational containers to put shit in. Am I the last person to realize that these 1. exist, and 2. they're freaking cute! I have a designated space for my hair dryer and not 'just wherever the hell I leave it.' It's an actual space, next to the straightener and curling iron I don't use. They have spaces too. So grown up or I just have a lot of free time. I'm going to guess the free time.

Network your face off.

Being newly unemployed again has left me with quite some time to consider where I would like to take my career. Do I want to go back to working for an agency? Do I want to be subcontracted out? Do I want to not even work in my field until I finish school? Who the hell knows. Right now, I'm throwing everything I've got up against the wall to see what sticks. I've emailed, networked, and called everyone I can think of to let them know I'm available. I'm here! I'm back! I have a great work ethic!

My game plan is to try out all of these routes to see what matches best with me. I have an idealized dream of never having to work for someone else again, but I know I'm not in the place for that yet. Once I'm licensed, that will be a different story. I will be in a place where I can go into private practice, I can work a few days/nights a week with individual clients; my options will be more vast.

Next step? Figure out the school component of this. When does the semester even start? Probably something I should know. Time to get on that.

On the move

Okay, so I've been avoiding posting here for awhile in order to get myself together. But, I'm slowly getting everything packed up and prepping the dogs because... I'M MOVING AGAIN! Of course I'm going back to Boston. I have to finish school and from there, who knows.

So I quit my job, I re-enrolled in school, and I have packed (mostly). Oh yeah, and I leave tomorrow. Unemployment has already begun again, but I have an interview on Tuesday so things may go smoother this time around.

I'll be back with more updates once I get myself moved into my new apartment and get the dogs situated.

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Cognitive dissonance

Whenever I feel as though I've made a mistake, or done something I shouldn't have done, there is always this accompanying feeling of dissonance. It's a feeling I have trouble shaking; it seems to linger in the back on my mind, no matter how hard I try to push it away or convince myself it's not a big deal. Most likely, it's not a big deal, but there is a possibility that it could turn into something of a big deal, a problem, even.

My solution? Eat candy, watch Sex & the City, and smoke cigarettes. Tomorrow will be better.

Vagueness

As it tends to go, my situation has changed once again. After a mild freak out yesterday, I have a skeleton of a plan in place to move again. The wheels have been put into motion, as they say. So, I guess now it's just time to keep things moving and figure out a way to do this. If there is one thing I am good at, it is moving at the drop of a hat. So, it's time to harness that strange skill and put it to work again. Wish me luck!

Made it!

My birthday has come and gone, along with it came the flu. I'll return once I don't feel like dying.

The day has come...

I turn 30 tomorrow! Holy crap! When did that happen? More on this later, I'm so tired I need to get my butt into bed (at 6pm...)

Fried.

After work this afternoon, I came home to nap for an hour. That hour turned into three. What I didn't expect was to lie in bed for another hour wondering if the fucked up dream I just had was actually true. So in an effort to calm my overactive, insanity laden brain, I sent out a text to my exboyfriend confirming that he is still alive. It was that crazy of a dream.

I now also get to take the title of most insane ex ever. Thank you, thank you. I'm happy to accept this award on behalf of all nutty women on the east coast. So not only did I send a text making sure he is still alive, I proceeded to ramble on about my dream. Most people shouldn't text while drinking; I shouldn't text while waking up.

I'm hoping everyone else had a great opportunity to make an ass out of themselves today!

Photo drop

I'm just plunking all of my photos from the past few days. 

Boba Fett origami helmet. 

Possible new glasses. They may be too large for my face though. 

Look at that face. Too cute. 

Happy Sunday, enjoy your week! 

Eyeballs.

I'm obsessed with 750words.com. I've been writing so much on a daily basis, which makes me 1. want to write more, 2. want to read more, and 3. incredibly happy. I think the fact that it is private and not stored on my computer for anyone to read is what makes me enjoy it so much. Not that there is anything I wouldn't reveal to my closest friends, it's just nice to have a space where punctuation, spelling, grammar, and complete sentences don't matter. It's lovely, I highly recommend it.

Jabba's eye is looking really rough right now. It's not healing the way that it should and I'm worried he's going to go blind in that eye. My poor little man. I would post the most recent photo but I'm lazy and don't feel like finding an iphone cord. Whatever. Here's Jabba looking adorable (and trim!).

Happy New Year!

The only really notable thing I have done in honor of the new year is disable my facebook account. GASP! I found myself becoming really annoyed every time I would scroll through the pages, so problem solved. I'm sure I'll go back eventually, but for right now, no Facebook for me!

Have a lovely New Year!

Write it out

I've been avoiding this blog like the plague. I've been in such a shitty space lately that I didn't want to poison this area with my negativity. But I started writing on 750words.com and I've dedicated that space to the mindless crap that my brain produces on a regular basis. Apparently, 750 words on a daily basis. That's a lot of crap.

Anyway, in an effort to be more social, I've decided to put my online profile back up. Back to the crazy world of online dating and seeing what comes from it. So far, nothing has come from it at all. I've been out on one date, about 10 months ago. It is fondly referred to as my Cemetery Date from Hell. So here's to more weird, awkward dates in the future.

Things I ALMOST did in the past few days

As I mentioned before, I've been in a sort of a... hole guarded by candy and dogs rut. It's not so bad, because I'm able to talk myself out of doing really stupid shit such as:

1. Sending an exboyfriend an email about how I've been thinking about him and hope he is doing well even though I know he is out of the country with his girlfriend that he probably lives with and is probably really happy and I need to find other ways to deal with being lost.

2. Calling the most recent exboyfriend to yell at him about he is the most unavailable man I've ever met and I'm just now realizing that he was unavailable and feel the need to share this knowledge because, really, I'm sure he doesn't know! But seriously, I read this article about the type of men to avoid (shut up) and it smacked me in the face! Knowledge! OMG! Don't date someone who doesn't want to share their life with you! Who knew?! Apparently, everyone in the world except me. I'm awesome.

3. Call best friend and cry. Wait, did that. Nevermind...

4. Eat only candy.

5. Said yes to a date with a male friend instead of speaking up and saying, "NO! Red flag! Don't date your friends you stupid, sorry excuse for a 29 year old!"

Good news! I only did one of those things on that list and managed to stop myself from completing the others. Although, there is a draft saved in my email and notes about the phone conversation (damnit) so I'm going to go delete the evidence that I'm a crazy person and resume trying to be a normal functioning human being.

...

I've spent the past two days doing nothing but stalking my own fantasy football profile and catching up on tv. I've watched all of season 7 of HIMYM and season 1 of Girls. I've also been prowling around on circus tumblr blogs and researching aerial silks in Pittsburgh. It's really been an eventful two days.

I really want to get back into an aerial class. It's something that I really enjoyed and it will keep me in shape. I can't seem to stick with running and yoga. Running makes me want to die and yoga is boring me lately. I need something new.

It's been a rough couple of months and I need to find something to be excited about again. I feel like I'm miles away from where I want to be and I don't have a clear path of where I'm going any longer. I have no doubt that I'll figure it out but I'm definitely starting to lose patience.

Overemployment?

So I signed on to two more jobs yesterday. A retail and a nannying position, this ought to keep me busy for awhile. I spent all of today going through an orientation and then online trainings at home. I may or may not have had a nap attack while doing one of the trainings. It was so long and my bed so comfy... But! I finished all the training for the retail position and half of the stuff for the nannying job. And after reading about child safety and drowning and car seats, I'm terrified to even look at a child, let alone care for it.

On an unrelated note, I went to Santa Land.

Things are just as weird as it seemed. Sadly, Kraynaks has really stepped up it's game since I last visited Santa Land. I remember reject toys and mannequins. Rumor has it though, there were old JC Penney mannequins present. I missed it! 

This guy drinks a lot of coffee, but does it with style. Look at that mug. 

And if you look off to the left corner of this atrocious photo, you will see a PONDEROSA! I almost crashed my car trying to take this photo. I was way too excited about the existence of this magical restaurant. 

And another

I went for an interview today for a retail position. I walked out of there thinking, "nailed it!" in a non-ironic way.

Also, heard back from another place where I interviewed last week. Maybe, if I play my cards right, I can juggle three jobs. Or maybe not. 

I'm still waiting to hear back from my school to see if I can complete my last two classes without actually being on campus. Normal schools have this new fangled option called 'Online Classes.' You may have heard of it before. My school has not. So I'm trying to convince them that I'm a responsible adult who can manage her education without having anyone directly accountable for me. That couldn't be further from the truth, but they don't need to know that. So I wrote my Dean a lovely email discussing my plans for completing the work without actually being in class and how I would email AND snail mail all of my work to her personally, should she request it. The jury is still out. 

Do Work!

I've scheduled two interviews for tomorrow! They're both part time positions and seem to be promising, so hopefully something pans out from them. I'm really enjoying my current position and would love to go to full time there, but until that happens, or in case it doesn't, I'm searching for more positions to supplement my income. This girl has bills to pay!

I finally headed into the city to see what it has to offer. I'm trying to have a better attitude about Pittsburgh, and it has somewhat pai off. I went to the Mattress Factory, brunch at the Porch, and then The Church Brew Works. All of which were cool.

Aren't my shoe covers awesome? I really thought they went with my outfit. 

I think this was my favorite. As we were walking through this old house with installations throughout, there were phrases throughout the entire building in really charming places. This one was on the side of a fire place/mantle. 

And lastly, The Church Brew Works. It was such a great space, I couldn't really get over it. The beer was pretty tasty as well. I couldn't get over the placement of the casks (?), the placement of church pews, and how the altar was still a beer lovers altar. It was great, I will definitely be back! 

 So, I'm not ready to leave Pittsburgh quite yet. I will give it a chance and try to hold my judgements. This isn't Boston and it isn't Chicago, nor will it ever be. It has its own character that I need to learn to appreciate. Maybe, someday, I will.